T + 2 hours from dentist. I’m still feeling the polish grit on my teeth. My gums ache.

I hate that scrapey, hook thing with a passion.

I am a dental priss about flossing daily, and still I get scraped. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

I haven’t been wearing my bite guard regularly, so I got the look of shame from both dentist and hygienist. I felt like a reprimanded five-year-old.

My dentist does great work and I owe him my smile (veneers) and half my bank account (see previous parenthetical comment.)

But the scraping and the shaming need to go.

As does the muted instructional video that run on a loop in his waiting room. It’s about a chimpanzee who flosses and brushes. Despite the video being closed captioned, I have no idea (a) why this chimp is so devoted to oral health and (b) why the dentist shows this video, rather than one of a human. Or an alligator, for that matter. The whole thing, frankly, makes me rub the stubble on my legs uncomfortably.

So here’s to you, Chimpanzee with Healthy Gums. Enjoy the only video that should ever be shown in a waiting room: