Not exactly sure why these are coming across so shmoopy and new-agey.  Sigh. The only problem with this feeling of excitement is that I worry that it takes away from my comedy edge. Someone please tell me that Twain had a soft, huggy side. Please. Not that I think I’m Twain. Of course not. He’s dead. 

 

I was so deeply and wonderfully affected by the article I referenced yesterday.  I spent serious time considering all the shows I’ve done in the last few years, ever since I left teaching to focus on the wonderful world of theater.

I actually was jotting down notes for the next few blog entries – entries where I look at some of the shows I’ve done and reflect on the wonderful parts, the lessons learned, and the growth.

My daily chores, ironing, laundry, cooking…those few precious moments I have when I’m not full-frontal parenting…all allowed me for repetitive motions that I find free my mind to think my little creative thoughts.

I forced myself to look at each show I’ve done and see how far I’ve come, how many wonderful opportunities I’ve had, and how many talented people I’ve gotten to work with. (Ok, “forced” is a bit harsh. I love reliving those shows.)

It was, indeed, a revelation.

I found my enthusiasm. It had been suffocating under an egotistical and juvenile need for…what? Validation, perhaps? External approval?

And the funny thing is, it’s always been there. Not just the enthusiasm, but the validation and external approval as well. For some reason, I have resisted and ignored it.

That, of course, comes from fear. All resistance of that sort in my life, refusal to see what is good and wonderful, is my fear.

But these days, as I battle on other fronts, as I worry about my children’s health and my own, as I grow older and hopefully become more of the woman of repose I wish to be, I dusted off that part of me, that part that always had me enjoying jumping off the swing at its highest point, that has me still able to enter a room full of strangers and enjoy meeting them, that part that allows me to try and try and try new things…

It’s the same part that thrills to opening night strains and audition notices.

I’ve been afraid this last year. Afraid I’d be called out as the fraud, the incompetent, the not-quite-good-enough talent that only I thought I was.

And suddenly, when other things remind me that the theater is a world of creation and professionalism…of emotion and (when good) honesty…of escape and mirroring…

It is pointless to be afraid of my successes and of my future.

Yeah, the simple lessons take me the longest.

As I sprayed starch on my blouses and swept up the tumbleweeds of fuzz my dog sheds in massive amounts, remembering I had once been nicknamed “Fearless,” I received TWO offers to work on shows.

Both from people who’ve worked with me before.

Both projects that excite and challenge me creatively and intellectually.

It is sometimes trivial and perhaps laughable to opine about the classic “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” but even if this is just serendipity, I’ll take it.

I’m growing up.

I cannot wait to share my successes.

They’ve been waiting patiently to be shared.