A Group of Children

While the term “blush” describes a group of boys (No lie), there is no gender-inclusive term for a group of children.  As always, I aim to change the world, and this seems as good a windmill to start with as any.

It isn’t easy to just coin a term, at least for thoughtful people.  Describing children is fraught with peril, as offspring tend to inspire either passionate goobering (See: “Greatest Love of All”) or passionate thumb biting (See: most of the Facebook comments written by my childless friends who have to deal with other people’s progeny.)

Gentle parents, especially those still in the pregnancy-only stage might recommend A Blessing of Children or An Anticipation of Children. The more “I’m-With-Stupid T-Shirt” parents among us might smart-assedly suggest a A Choke of Children or A Mudslide of Children

I considered A Guffaw of Children.

A Heart- and Earful of Children

A Goldfish Crackers Sack of Children.

A Pillowfight of Children.

An Avalanche of Children.

An Epoxy of Children.

A Cancellation of Children.

A Gigglefit of Children.

Then I received what can only be considered divine whisper similar I’m sure to what Handel heard when inspired to compose the Messiah.  Or perhaps it was a hallucination caused by the past-its-prime Salted Caramel coffee creamer I freebased this morning.

I owe this term to five years of 12-14 hour-a-day information verbal downloading by my children, 12 years of professional teaching, the rather surprising turn of events that has lead me to become some sort of neighborhood Sunny D/Totino’s Pizza Roll mom (Come on in, kids, and empty my fridge! I like grocery shopping every goddamned day!) and the young child who recently spent no less than 7 minutes explaining to me exactly why her favorite color is rainbow.

I submit to you what may be my one and only gift to humanity – A Monologue of Children.

Juliana Berners would most definitely find "A Monologue of Children" probably acceptable.
Juliana Berners would most definitely find “A Monologue of Children” probably acceptable.
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