Good heavens. 30 weeks.

Now I wait for the bleeding. With complete placenta previa, it’s practically inevitable. Could be any moment. Will lead to hospitalization, at least for a few days.

So I wait. And clench.

My boys have started saying that they also have babies in their bellies, which I find adorable and hopefully probably normal in their adjusting to the idea.  One has been regressing, which we have been prepared for. Babyish behavior and loss of some potty training.

Baby kicks are starting to get painful, but I love every time she lets me know she’s in there.  I will miss baby kicks. It’s my favorite part of pregnancy!

I was told by a teacher at my boys’ school that my belly has “exploded” in the last week. I choose to think of this as a language barrier issue rather than the truth. After all, she’s from Ohio France.  Yes, France.

I love my big round belly. I am trying to love my big round ass, offering counterbalance.

And still I wait to bleed. I know baby could come in as little as 2 weeks, and no more than about 7.  I haven’t packed my hospital bag. We haven’t finished the nursery. DH has slapped some paint on 2.5 walls, but it’s not exactly good done. I haven’t made meals to put in the freezer. I haven’t cuddled my boys enough…although God knows they try…

Little monkeys are climbing into bed with me at 3 and 4 in the morning. I try to memorize those moments, as I try to memorize the baby kicks. It’s hard to be consistently fond of those early morning hours as I am already not sleeping and four feet in my abdomen and some serious dog breath in my face is not conducive to rest and therefore easy charm. But I try to push through. I try.

I am scared of this going very wrong. We monitor and make sure the placenta isn’t attaching to the c-section scar…still waiting. I am scared of something going very wrong…

My dear friend started miscarrying today, and I am walking with her through this as much as she needs.  My heart cries for her.

Motherhood is worry.

There will be blood.

But, oh yes, there will be baby. There will be life.