Loss

It’s called chemical pregnancy. The egg was fertilized, but for some reason didn’t implant. I have fibroids, so it shouldn’t be surprising. I flashback to a doctor telling me years ago that it is unlikely I will ever get pregnant. I felt awfully smug when I did.

The miscarriage is ongoing…faint…five or six days now. I just want it to be over. My body has other plans.

I wait for the

I dream at night of failure and emptiness. I dream of throngs of sugar ants devouring my uterus. I hate that my subconscious is so dramatic.

Emotional waves, as expected. I cry a lot. I grind my teeth. I wonder if I should be upset making eggs. Then I hate myself for being so dramatic.  I want to try again…to move forward (not on, forward), and I feel stuck with every pregnancy test.

There is no relief. All of a sudden for the first time people are asking if we’re going to have a third. They ask now. Not a month ago.

Dealing with not having this pregnancy for almost as long as dealing with having it. The line stays dark-ish.  Not fading. Not fading.

I am in an online “mommy group” and have been since I was pregnant with the boys. Another woman and I both announced this pregnancy and were delighted to see we had the same due date.  We were going to go through this together! My “date twin” is now posting about her m/s and her cravings and her exhaustion. I’m happy for her…and it kills me every time she posts.

I am terrified of the next week and a half until I go to the doctor….I get back into WhatIf mode so easily.  WhatIF my body does not fully pass this?

I would need a D&C. I would need to go through that, and then on top of it wait three months to try again.

Waiting. I just want to reset. I want to try again. My body doesn’t work…it couldn’t take this pregnancy and now it feels like it won’t let it go.

I’m 38. I feel like I don’t have the time. I hate that I have the strength.

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