Author: Jackie Pick

Jackie Pick is a former teacher and current writer living in the Chicago area. She is a contributing author to multiple anthologies, including Multiples Illuminated, So Glad They Told Me: Women Get Real about Motherhood, Here in the Middle, as well as the and the literary magazines The Sun and Selfish. She received Honorable Mention from the Mark Twain House and Museum for her entry in the Royal Nonesuch Humor Writing Competition. Jackie is a contributing writer at Humor Outcasts, and her essays have been featured on various online sites including McSweeney's, Belladonna Comedy, Mamalode, The HerStories Project, and Scary Mommy. A graduate of the University of Chicago and Northwestern University, Jackie is co-creator and co-writer of the award-winning short film Fixed Up, and a proud member of the 2017 Chicago cast of Listen To Your Mother.

Donald Trump, A Woolly Mammoth, and a Banana Walk Into a Lowered Bar

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People of America,

I had planned to bring you a nice blog piece this week about life, liberty, and my general pursuit of cake. However, something much more critical was brought to my attention.

The probably stoned good bros folks at yandy.com will now sell you some of the most relevant costumes for your offices Halloween party/budget meeting.

Sexy Trump, carefully disguised as a costume called “Donna T. Rumpshaker” which is both a wink at Trump and a wink at any woman who wants to be taken seriously on Halloween, in the board room, or in life.

Also capturing the 2015 zeitgeist:

Sexy Woolly Mammoth! Don’t ask why this is a thing. It’s a thing. Don’t you even understand evolutionary biology?

(Bonus, ladies: No need for a bikini wax before wearing this probably Zoological Society-Approved costume!)

May I be serious for a moment? Would one of you good readers with an advanced degree explain to me why Sexy Donald Trump and Sexy Woolly Mammoth are two separate costumes? You may insert your own Trump Hair joke or your own Stone Age joke.  He certainly inserts his own every time he’s on my screen.

And for the discerning gentleman who wishes to accompany his lady after she spends hours shoving herself into these or any of the other wedgie-producing Halloween costumes and then putting on lots of makeup to complete the look?

In the time it takes to take your Totino’s Pizza Rolls out of your toaster oven, you can throw this on and hold out your arm so I can dangle my glamorous self from it.