O most Glorious St. Aperture,
Faithful Servant of iGadgetry and our Very Right Instagram
Grant me good angles,
And an expression that doesn’t cause loved ones suffering as they wonder if I’ve been on a bender.
Guide me in judicious cropping.
Intercede for me that I may gently Photoshop evidence of living, good parenting, and bad decisions,
Without losing perspective or character.
Let my smile be bright and free of lunch remnants.
Let my pose be neither Kardashian nor Beckham.
If it be Divine Will that I Walk the Heavenly Red Carpet, flanked by photographers both Divine and Amateur,
Let me not be Chicken Wing-ed
And let my belly be perfectly perpendicular to Heaven and not spilleth over due to Holy Generosity
And if it comes to be that
For reasons mysterious and mighty,
My likeness is shared with people
Be it of my own free will or the free will of others,
Let me not apologize for my lack of
Or any other Thing which makes me Human.
Help me resist the temptation to post photos of my every meal or fellow traveler or fellow traveler’s meals.
And forgive the young girls their Duck Faces.
They know not what they do.