Author: Jackie Pick

Jackie Pick is a former teacher and current writer living in the Chicago area. She is a contributing author to multiple anthologies, including Multiples Illuminated, So Glad They Told Me: Women Get Real about Motherhood, Here in the Middle, as well as the and the literary magazines The Sun and Selfish. She received Honorable Mention from the Mark Twain House and Museum for her entry in the Royal Nonesuch Humor Writing Competition. Jackie is a contributing writer at Humor Outcasts, and her essays have been featured on various online sites including McSweeney's, Belladonna Comedy, Mamalode, The HerStories Project, and Scary Mommy. A graduate of the University of Chicago and Northwestern University, Jackie is co-creator and co-writer of the award-winning short film Fixed Up, and a proud member of the 2017 Chicago cast of Listen To Your Mother.

Resolutions and Whatnot

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I hereby publicly state my 2024 resolutions before the tide of rants decrying resolutions as the folly of a made-up Hallmark Holiday.

1. Become Instagram Influencer. Make sure “Instagram Influencer” is not a euphemism for “orgy hostess.” (see: awkward Tupperware party 2013)

2. Make time to work out. Make time for myself.

3. Stop repeating myself.

4. Be more tolerant. Accept people even when they say “I’ll wait” after provoking an internet argument. Accept people for thinking flip-flops are acceptable everywhere feet are welcome. Accept the fact Miley Cyrus’s tongue takes up one of my brain cells.

5. Only say “That’s ok” when “that” is actually “ok.”

6. Manage stress. Stop reading comments on internet articles, in Facebook threads, and left under my windshield in the Target parking lot.

7. Scoff at the notion I have but 24 hours a day. Manipulate the fourth dimension. Host a podcast “Spacetime and Other Fabulous Unifications,” during which offer up confession that I only manipulate time to jump the line at the community pool’s concession stand so I can order a jumbo bratwurst.

8. Stop blathering.

9. Make time to work out. Make time for myself.

10. Stop giving in to the urge to write lists with round numbers of entries.

All that’s left is the doing. Happy New Year!