Tonight is the last night of the show I’ve been working on for almost a year. I will be pressed for time today up until I leave for Chicago mid-day.

I am not sure how I feel about this, other than slightly removed from the cast and crew. Due to family illness, I have had to miss a number of performances.

Technically, that should not be a big deal, as my work was done by opening night. My role now is largely ceremonial. Show up, laugh, clap, congratulate.  I was at every rehearsal and, as most of the work that was requested was “more choreography,” did a chunk of stuff at rehearsals.  Not that I worked harder than anyone, certainly not. But I worked as much. And that’s good.  I’d hate for it to be otherwise.  But that seems to have been forgotten, as it usually is.  The love is found during the run, not during rehearsals.  I wasn’t there, I suppose.  Or maybe my work wasn’t up to snuff.  Or maybe a hundred other reasons that may not even be about me. Or maybe they are.

I have always felt slightly removed from this group. I don’t quite fit in, although I love so many of the people dearly. Missing shows brings up my own worries of “out of sight, out of mind.”

I am not of the show anymore. I’m kind of nearby.  One of the directors and leaders of the show sent a general email to cast and crew thanking the director, thanking the writer.  Everyone on the staff…but me. There was a little comment about how one of the other staff members represents how a parent should be and that the young performers should learn from him.  I wonder, unnecessarily, if that’s a dig at me for staying at home with my ill toddler…although to be fair his kid is 20. Mine are 2. One is very ill.

I felt left out of the production staff kudos, which admittedly hurts. A lot.  And then I remember this is not the first time that happens. Then I remember that I didn’t do this for thanks. And I remember that maybe I was given this opportunity to learn and grow.

And it still hurts like hell. But I’ll get over it.

That being said, I look forward to the final performance. I decided to see what comes to me, theaterwise, after this point.

I am proud of my work, and would love to do more of this comedy choreography/directing, as well as writing and performing again.

If I have the chops, if I’ve laid the groundwork…a great project will rear it’s head.

This was a gigantic growth experience for me this last year. Tonight is a graduation of sorts.

I need to tap into that place where I am independent of other’s opinions.  Pronto. Wish me luck, though — I’m an artist and as much as we like to say we don’t care what people think…we do.

And now I feel like a petulant child. But this is my truth, as they say. At least at this moment.  Welcome to my whine.